back again

Examssssss are over!

Exams ended last week monday but took the week off to get some sleeping that i was deprived of.
Boy, cannot believe that school is over already. It only seems like yesterday that i was walking around school campus holding on to the school map, getting lost, and struggling to adjust to the new environment.
But first year of undergrad is over already…

Weather is absolutely beautifullllllll. Perfect weather to take a walk or eat outside.
I haven’t been taking pictures of my meals because it felt like i was tracking what i was eating. What’s important for me is that I am eating what i want and when i want, listening to my body. Especially during exam week i didn’t bother to think about what to eat and what not to eat. The stress from studying, essays, and labs was already too much for me to stress about food.

Now, i am trying to eat normally  with my family. I am still limiting myself from eating too much.. such as ice cream. I allowed myself to eat a  few spoons of ice cream/ frozen yogurt which i totally do not feel guilty about anymore. One part of me wants to just eat the frozen yogurt straight out of the container with a biggggg spoon. But i know i will regret and hate myself for losing control so i’ll just stick with few scoops for now… hehe

since i am job-less and broke   low on $$,  i gotta start looking for a job. Somewhere near by house so i dont have to buy a metropass and waste $100 .

school is over and i really want to take the lonnnnng break that i have to work (make some $) and really live a life without calorie counting, worrying about what to eat and when to eat, avoiding social meetings because of the fear of not knowing what i’ll be eating. I just want to be free from the stress of limiting myself, depriving myself from food/eating…denying my hunger. I want to eat because i feel like it, because my tum tum is growling. I have to admit that i am still scared of gaining weight.. but i know that i must and i will not lose hope that one day i will become comfortable with gaining a few pounds because i know that those few pounds won’t do any harm to me. I’ve started by removing the scale from my room and stopped myself from measuring myself like 3 times a day. I’m just sick and tired of being pissed off and irritated by numbers that go up and down before and after i eat. It’s just twooo freakin numbers! I only measure once a week and havent seen the numbers change. Sadly, i am relieved that the numbers stay the same when they should go up but at least the stress measuring myself several times a day is GONE!

the most important thing ive realized during my first year of university is that we shouldnt lose hope. No matter how poorly we do, how lost we are, we should NEVER lose faith and hope in ourselves. Even though i did poorly on my first term tests for chemistry and evolutionary biology, i realized that because i didnt lose hope and faith in myself, i did better on my second term tests. In fact the final exam wasnt so bad either. This applies to me and my conflict with food… I dont know if i am getting better or worse but at least i am more comfortable with eating and drinking water past my ’safe’ time (past 5pm). I allowed myself to eat cereal, chicken, and eggs. I have no freakin idea why i was and still am scared of eating eggs. the yellow yolk ……… go good but WHY am i still so scared of eating it.  i eat it time to time but fear it as it enters my mouth. strange .o_O

live with it

It’s been like a week since I’ve blogged. I havent been taking pictures of my eats (forgot and busy). But the same as usual. Korean-style breakfast, fruits, and yogurt, cereal.

I have a math mid-term next Wednesday and have to start studying. I have done all the homework and assigned questions but have to start reviewing and solving those integrals! Let’s not slack. This week hasn’t been too productive as well. Feeling exhausted and just drained. I suffered from stomach troubles this week. I don’t know if it is because of me eating prunes + lots of yogurt.. but not going to the washroom. my stomach bloated up (felt swollen) to the point where the muscles around my lower abdomen started to hurt. I am feeling a bit better today  but still.. not as usual.

I am very troubled because i feel very heavy. Maybe because of the lack of sleep + not going to the washroom (need help to stay regular) + water retention.. ?
I removed the scale from my washroom so i wouldn’t get stressed by the numbers. Even though i count calories everyday, and fear for what i will eat the next day, i know that in the end it’s all just meaningless numbers. My weight, the calories i consumed, the calories burned,… allllllllll meaning less numbers.

It seemed so easy to be ‘normal’. When i was young, i thought that being normal, eating, sleeping, going to school, was the easiest thing. No worries and stress about my image. But why do is it that we start to criticize and pressure ourselves to become someone who we are not. We do we think that ‘thinner is better’? Media? Culture?
I wish i could go back to the good old days when i would eat whatever and whenever i wanted. I had listened to what my body and mind wanted and did it without any hesitation or guilt. But now, i fear what my body wants because it is ultimately what my mind does not want. 

We should just embrace the way we are. Thank God for living us the opportunity to live, breathe, laugh, and love.  Why do we complain about the life that we are fortunate enough to get? I want to stop being so foolish, childish, and immature. I’m distressed that i tend to take food, my health, and my life for granted. I should cherish my health and life that God has given to me. I know in my mind that i should stop wasting my life stressing about food, complaining about myself, and hating myself when instead i could spend that time and energy to do something productive (like study –;;). 

I know in the future, i will look back at my life and regret, why did i ever restrict myself from the pleasures of life? Why didnt i enjoy the best times of my life and why did i ever hurt the people around me?

I want to wake up every morning and sleep every night with the excitement that a new day awaits, a new day, another chance for me to experience another day of joy and pure happiness.

i am thankful for living and breathing at this very moment. Being able to be with my family and the people i love, doing the things that i want to do with good health.

i am trying to smile everyday when i look at myself i the mirror. after my obsession with food started to pollute my life, i avoided looking at the mirror because i would always be unsatisfied and distressed. But now i come to realize that there’s nothing i can do to change the way i am. I can change my grades, my habits, my hairdo, my clothes. But i cannot change my body shape, body functions, metabolism, image, and appearance (unless severe damage is done by getting plastic surgery, which i would never dream of! lol). I am slowly, trying very hard to accept who i am, and live with the fact that limiting myself, dieting, calorie counting, wont change anything except my health.

I want to take care of myself, treat my body with care and be thankful for the life that God has given me. I want to take care of myself so one ill be blessed enough to make a mini me lol.

urgggghhhhhhhhh……..

MUST STUDY….. after watching the olympics.
Olympics is really making a dent on my study schedule….sigh

Note: Nutbutter give away at Love Veggies and Yoga

unproductive

Today is the last day of ‘official’ reading week… sigh
Hasn’t been so productive? Reading week  → Resting week. ):
At  least I got rest and sleep. Two weeks before this week, I think I got no more than 2 hours of sleep everyday, even on the weekends. There were many days where I would go to school sleepless and come home completely exhausted. Exhausted but so many things to do, thus would lead to another sleepless day. I missed my bed as I had no choice to part with it and sleep on my desk.

Even though i had planned to do TONS of work during reading week and actually never got to them… at least i spent good time at home, talking with Mama, SLEEPING, and cleaning. Cleaning the house, especially the kitchen lifts my mood. Strange.. i know lol  but cleaning the kitchen puts me (and my Mama) in a good mood.

Even though there is 3days left of reading week (including today) I will, swear to god, do the following things:

1. Finish psychology notes (the only thing ive been doing this week is catching up on psych.)
2. Finish chemistry tutorial questions and read up on the upcoming lecture
3. Pick a topic and start writing essay for humanities course (Fall of Roman Emperors)
4. READ BIOLOGY and do research biology ethics report topic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am about 98% sure that i can finish 1 & 2 and probably pick a topic for my next humanities essay TODAY.
I’ll probably be able to finish my essay tomorrow…(considering that the past two papers took me about 6 hours to write and edit)
and then I’ll spend the rest of my time reading up on biology and doing research.
OMG, i have serious catching up to do in bio as in reading the lecture supplementary notes and required readings. I am so behind that it’s actually pretty funny (so funny that end up tearing ;o)

Anyway, Ill work work work today and tomorrow! I promise ;P.

yesterdays moments:

bowl of spicy chili and (little less than)1/2 of english muffin

little more chili, RICE (?) apple, 1 dried fig

I woke up pretty late yesterday morning. Around 8:30 am woke up and did my morning ritual: drink 2 glasses of cold water, stretch, wash face, brush teeth, get out of pjs.  Then around 9:30am i ate late breakfast. I made a huge pot of chili the night before. Yum. (: I truly do like beans, onions, and tomatoes. So perfect and good together, but it better if beans didn’t cause bad gas. (lol)
Ate 1/2 of a  DELICIOUS rice apple. OMG i cant believe how good these apples taste. Loved by everyone. It’s really sweet, juicy, and crisp! Papa and I got them at the asian supermarket for $35. (we buy our apples at korean grocery stores because we can buy a box of apples instead. so 1 box (um…4o-50 BIG apples)=$35.  Good Deal eh?

Then i went on the computer, did some blogging, watched 2-3 korean dramas (yes, i do watch korean television), and around 3pm my stomach felt…empty (?). Wanted to chew on something and so i ate this:

platter of goodness paired with black coffee + splash of skim milk

Closeup: green apple, wild berry yogurt, 3 sunsweet prunes, 5-6 nuts with dried berry seed mix, a sliver of red bean bun and matcha bread

 Yay, i was happy after eating this. Little regret after eating this but failed not to count the calories. I try everyday not to calorie count but havent been successful. Old habits dont die so easily. I used to be obsessed with calorie counting but have improved as i pushed myself to eat foods that are over 200 calories. I still cant fix the habit of checking the nutritional information of everything and counting approximately the total calories i took in, but at least i eat. I figured one day that i wont be able to check the calorie of every single food.  I would never be able to eat in a nice restaurant, go to a friend’s house and eat dinner or a snack, and will never be able to travel. 

I do want to travel to see the magnificent gift of nature that God has given us, have a good time, and eat the good foods. I will try harder to not get stressed out on calorie counting because in the end, the calories that i stress about will be nothing more than numbers that expire the next day.

Today, i went to school (during reading week) to do my last psychology experiment and to participate in a research study. For psych, we get 4% credit if we participate in 4 research experiments. I actually enjoy participating in these experiments cause i find them interesting and neat. As for my other study,i got paid $10 for my participation! (:

 In the morning i had dumpling soup (3 dumplings) with a bit of miso seaweed soup

Then to finish off my meal, i had two of these cuties that my Papa brought home yesterday. New products that got shipped to his company. Looked at the packaging, hesitated for a minute or so, then just tossed them into mouth and down they went through Sally’s stomach. I also had 3 sunsweet prunes with 5 almonds.
I LOVE eating prunes and nuts together. Prunes also taste good when dipped into almond butter. ;D

On my way home i stopped by a korean grocery store to buy something for Mama. Bought ricecakes, popped corn, and redbean icebars.

At home, around 2-3pm i had…

I always have a hard time deciding on what to eat. I especially have trouble on deciding- banana? or apple?

This is the ricecake that i bought. 1 for $2.49. It’s korean stickyricecake (green tea) with bean and kabocha on top. I really do love these but have come to fear it. ); But i did push myself today to eat a piece and yum, it was good. Not too sweet n chewy!

I made peach bread/loaf yesterday. No dairy,no oil. Just mashed up the peaches instead of apple sauce, tiny bit of sugar (2-4 Tbsp) as the peaches were sweet already, and put in cubed peaches, raisins, and almond flakes. A bit too moist but i like the taste. NOt too sweet, peachy, and not too dry.

And…………… i want to pat myself on the head for eating what i craved for, listening to my body rather than my mind… (: popped corn (?) and redbean (adzuki bean) icecream bar.

OH the icecream bar was soooo good. Its adzuki bean icecream bar that is actually pretty healthy in my opinion (compared to full-fat dairy icecream like ben & jerrys). Its low in fat (1g) and is made up of beans! The popped corn (?) is like popcorn but i believe is made up of a different type of corn… Its air popped with no butter, salt, sugar added.

I REALLLY must get back to work! lol, must complete #1 and #2 of my plan!

Long post. who ever is reading, i hope i didnt bore you.

d-2 of readingweek

Reading week for university. Rested for the whole day yesterday ( felt guilty that I did nothing but go on the computer) so I read and made notes for psychology. Yes, gotta study hard today!

Breakfast was korean Brussel spout soup with a table-spoon of rice and kimchi. And for dessert, I had half a cup of light black coffee. (I forgot to take a picture. As you can see, I’m still new to blogging)

I know I have to eat more rice in the morning or more complex carbohydrates during the day. I basically just eat one or two tablespoon of cooked rice in the morning and there ends my carb consumption. I will try. I hope I can gradually increase my amount and get over my fear of food (carbs especially). 

Anyway, even though it was a small amount I craved for yogurt! It’s been too long since I ate yogurt. I will never (for the meanwhile) ever think about breaking up with yogurt again.  I had yogurt, one tablespoon of dried fruit/seed mix, 4 prunes, celery with 1/2 tablespoon of marnatha almond butter, and 5 nuts.

 celery with maranatha almond butter

vanilla yogurt

nuts, dried fruit, seeds

4 I cannot live without sunsweet prunes.

 Everything was SO very good. Yogurt: fresh= √. Nuts: Tasty and crunchy=√. Celery+ab: √. Prunes: juicy, mushy, sweet, and oh so good =√

I have a thing about prunes. My friends make faces at me when I mention prunes or eat them at school. But, its hard to live without. Prunes having a laxative effect helps me stay regular! Without it, I don’t think I will be able to go to the bathroom very often. But I do not solely depend on them. Moreover, I enjoy the taste of prunes. They are so chewy and sweet. It also acts as a healthy dessert! I tried breaking up with this sucker for a month (with yogurt) and I missed it very much. But caution: refrain from overconsumption as it may lead to uncomfortable stomach + gas + bloating.

After, I craved something sweet. I had one chocolate covered almond + chai tea with a splash of skim milk.

one chocolate covered almond

chai tea

I am very sadden that I cannot eat yogurt and drink milk as I want. I propose that I am slightly lactose intolerant as I have stomach troubles and gas after drinking milk and eating icecream. However, I refuse to not eat yogurt and icecream! They are just too good.
Drank lots of water and read psych, watched a bit of news, and went to bed at 2:00am when my eyelids could no longer stay open.

Family Day

Monday February 15th was family day in Canada! No school and no work for my sister and papa. Everyone is home for once. It is so rare for all my family members to be at home at the same time. I slept late sunday night (around…3-4am?) but managed to wake up at 9am. Everyone woke up around that time and ate breakfast together.

We had jajagmyun (korean black bean noodles) for breakfast!

homemade jajagmyun

I helped my mama make this dish. Jajagmyun homemade 100%. Onions and  lean beef (we used low-fat round) went into the fry pan and once cooked, water and powered blackbean sauce was added to the veggies. The noodles were the only thing that wasnt made fresh and was just boiled in hot water. I like making jajagmyun at home because I find that are  sold at restaurants a bit too greasy or salty.  I was hesitant on eating breakfast because of my fear for carbs. Jajagmyun is basically noodles and sauce. But I didn’t want to ruin breakfast for my family as it would have been awkward for me to eat like yogurt while everyone else at noodles. And besides its been SO LONG since I’ve eat this I forgotten how it tastes!  I was glad that ate a small but very yummy serving of jajagmyun. Do not regret!!! (:

Most people I know will find it strange to eat something so big for breakfast. But I could probably eat anything for breakfasts- steak, fish, rice, noodles,…. you name it. I think the biggest meal of my day is breakfast. I like eating a big breakfast cause it gives me the energy to commute to downtown and go to my lectures.

After breakfast I checked up on some people’s blogs and then read a few pages of my psychology textbook.
Then around 2-3pm, Mama and Papa suggested that we order sushi for takeout since everyone was home and was family day! I was a bit frustrated of the thought that I would be eating too much for the day since I ate noodles for breakfast and would be eating sushi for dinner/lunch.  However, with Mama and Papa, I went to downtown to pick up this delicious monster!

sushi/maki/sashimi platter

sushi/maki/sashimi platter

All this for $50! We takeout sushi from Papa’s friend sushi restaurant. Fresh sushi and yummy rolls! They are always so generous and give us more that what other places would give. This is a lot but they used to give us more. (Business not as usual? ) I ate one of each sashimi (two of salmon and tuna) and ate three rolls: shrimp tempera roll, sweet potato (or carrot?) tempera roll, and eel and avocado roll.  T’was verrry good!

For dessert I had yogurt (2!) with 2 tablespoons of dried fruit and seed mix. Ate yogurt (x2) even though I was full because it tasted so good! I stopped myself from eating yogurt and eating this in a month was fantastico!

I think I am getting better at realizing my hunger. Before, I swear that I could go through a day without realizing I was hungry. Before, I think I ate because it was ‘time’ to eat. I never ate because I was truly hungry (except in the morning because I would normally wake up starving or sick because I my stomach was so empty). Now, I can slowly feel that I am hungry and actually sometimes crave for food. An improvement? (:  Taking a step closer to living eating ‘normally’.  Family day. Rest.

Good food in stomach. Reading psychology and looking at blogs. T’was a good day.

it’s a start

 

I’ve finally entered the world of blogging after a period of hesitation. I have been visiting other people’s blogs for quite sometime and was fascinated with everything. I’ve started this blog to get to know more about healthy living and to get over my problem of eating.  I am not sure if I am anorexic or not but I have come to a point where food is a source of fear and anxiety. Food was once a source of happiness, joy, and love. I can remember how happy I was a few years ago when my family went out for sushi or when my mom made a yummy korean dish that I could not wait to devour.  However, it saddens me that I fear the things that used to make me smile.

I dont want my current issue/problem to ruin my future. I am like a dead battery but is capable of recharging. I want to recharge myself to 100%power so that I can become of some use. (:

I want to look, listen and love what life has to offer and life my life with joy and laughter!